Inane Chatter

I was going to post something yesterday, but then I didn’t.  True story.  And one of my better ones, I know.

You know how sometimes people suggest doing something together (“We can carpool!” or “You can sit in here with me!”) because it sounds like a good idea?  To them, anyway.  And you don’t want to do it, mostly because you just want to be alone, but if you say that, it’ll hurt their feelings.  Or look like an attitude problem.  Yeah, I hate that.  Except when I don’t hate it.  There are times when I’m all for it.  Usually at the beginning, but then I’ve set a precedent (“Carpooling is a great idea!”  ‘Wow, it makes so much sense for me to sit in here with you instead of over there by myself!”) and backing out is difficult.  It’s like breaking up (“No, it’s not that I don’t like you.  I do.  I just need some space.”  “It’s not you, it’s me.”), except not so permanent.  I need an excuse that sounds reasonable and won’t hurt anybody’s feelings.

I’m just not in the mood for people.  People in general.  You guys are good, the people at my gym are good, but everyone else?  I want to hide from everyone else.  For now, though, I’ll settle for sleep.

I don’t have a fear of crowds.  I don’t have a fear of speaking or performing in front of people.  Right now, though, I can’t seem to make myself go back to my gym classes.  I haven’t been in about four weeks (I’ve been to the gym plenty, thank you very much, but only to work out on my own), and even though I really like those classes and I really like the people who take them and teach them, I don’t want to see them.  I’m hiding.  My plan for this afternoon was to stop working around four, go get my nails done, and get back to the gym in time for Muscle Blast and then yoga.  Four came along, and I found myself procrastinating.  Why would I do that?  Why would I waste time when I could be at the nail salon?  The later it got, the less likely it became that I’d have time to get my nails done in time to make it to class.  And then I started trying to decide which I would rather do if I only have time for one.  And then I realized that it’s the Wednesday before Christmas and I haven’t wrapped any presents yet.  If I don’t do some (or all) of it tonight, I’ll only have tomorrow evening to get it done, and really, where are  my priorities?  The gym will still be there tomorrow morning (for weights) and tomorrow lunchtime (for cardio) (same for Friday), and if I have time, I can still get my nails done.  And if I don’t have time, who cares?  They can wait.  Or I can – brace yourselves – do them myself.

So the anxiety I was feeling about going to the gym morphed into anxiety about my to do list, and I’ve sent it all away by deciding to wrap presents and watch TV and drink wine until John gets home (from another office Christmas party).  I win!

Today was a good day to stay home.  And luckily, that’s what I got to do.  It rained nonstop (it’s still raining), serious, steady rain, and I didn’t have to go out in it.  Except to go to the gym this morning with John.  In the early morning (but not too early) when there are practically no people there (and the ones who are there don’t want to talk), the gym is a nice place to be.  I mean, it’s always a nice place to be, but I’m not capable of dealing with people today.  Not all people, of course.  Just the not-close-friend-and-family kind.  The acquaintance kind.  The kind of person you run into when you go to the store or take the dogs for a walk or go to a class at the gym.  The kind you have to smile for, even when you don’t feel like it.  Ooh, that didn’t come out right.  Smiling is fine.  I don’t want to put the effort into chitchat.  It’s been gloomy and I have a headache and I want to take a bath and read my book and write run-on sentences.  And fragments.

Did I mention the headache?  Breakfast for dinner tonight, then a bath (glass of wine and book included, of course), then hiding from the band rehearsing in the basement.  Although they’ll be a jazz combo tonight, so it might be mellower.