I don’t want to do anything except read

Despite going through a phase these last two weeks of skipping meetings and avoiding people (not avoiding individuals – more like avoiding group interactions and expectations), I went to the monthly NOW meeting.  It was a helpful reminder that, oh yeah, I like these people.  They’re fun and interesting and understanding about feeling overwhelmed by obligations.  They didn’t need anything from me and I could just go and be and be helpful and useful, even if it’s just helping someone load her car with donations.

So that was good, and maybe it’ll make me more likely to go to the next thing.  Which is Sunday afternoon.  And I need all the help I can get when it comes to doing ANYthing on a Sunday afternoon.  Being sick takes everything out of me.  Even now, when I’m starting to feel better, I still want to be lazy.  And then I feel bad about being lazy.  And then I get annoyed because, damn it, I’m allowed to be lazy for a week.  And then I’m grumpy.  I might be a toddler masquerading as an adult.  Don’t tell work.

Unreliable

I cannot be trusted.  I didn’t keep any of my promises about horse pictures.  Turns out I have demanding readers.  However, I DID go back out there yesterday (a sunny day!) where I took a few more pictures.  Having the pictures is a big step towards posting the pictures.  Really.  Although there still aren’t any of me riding or jumping.  That requires bringing a photographer along with me, and that hasn’t happened yet.

Everyone (Dad), take a deep breath.  The pictures will be uploaded.  Put some positive vibes out in the universe today!  The sun was up when my alarm went off and the sky is blue and I feel better.  Now I have to work.

Now please go away

I am out of sorts.  There’s no good reason for it – I just can’t decide what I want.  No, it’s more like I have reasons not to do what I want, and I’m going to stick to them, and because sticking to them is annoying me (because I’m not doing what I want), I want to stick to them MORE because I shouldn’t be swayed just because the things I decided are annoying to me right this second.  I am not at the mercy of my whims!  Or my mood.

I’m going to scramble some eggs and read my book until the band starts rehearsing and then I’ll put on headphones and switch to a movie and it will be nice and relaxing.  BECAUSE I SAID SO.

And I am in charge.

(I think I should hurry the eggs up.  I might be hangry.)

I suppose it was inevitable


John has been sick for several days now (a week?), and I have felt fine. I should have known my days were numbered.  Tonight I could feel a sinus headache starting and my throat feels a little scratchy and please PLEASE I don’t want to be sick.

So I took a steamy shower and I’m in bed before 8, hoping to get real sleep. Maybe I can head it off. I’m writing this on my phone because no way am I going back downstairs to get my laptop.

The rest of the horseback riding story will have to wait.

 

Bleary-eyed and expected to make sense

Some days, the whole getting up really early and immediately working thing is hard.  It’s dark, it’s chilly, and I want to go back to bed.  It’s going to get darker and chillier (not today – that would be apocalyptic).  I need to start searching for a really good incentive.  Right now, I’ve been awake for 40 minutes, contacts in for 20 of those minutes, and I’m about to start a 90-minute conference call.  Maybe they won’t notice that I’m barely following along.

I don’t have to

I should work out, but I’m not going to.

I should do some laundry, but I’m not going to.

I should write about seeing Weird Al two Fridays ago, but I’m not going to.

I should write about meeting new people in Portland two Sundays ago, but I’m not going to.

I should plan something healthy for dinner tonight, but I’m not going to.

I’ll do all those things soon.

Instead, I’m going to read my book.

I’m going to fold the clothes I’ve already washed and do the rest tomorrow.

I’m going to think about what I’ll write about Weird Al and Portland peeps and be better prepared for it when I get there.

I’m going eat pasta and garlic bread and not feel guilty about it, even though I had Indian food last night and should never eat again.

I’m going to be still and quiet and go to bed early and get a normal night’s sleep that will end with my alarm at 5am tomorrow.

If I do it right, 5am won’t hurt that much, and when I get to the end of the workday, I’ll have the energy to work out and do laundry and make dinner and write bloggy things with pictures.

The world outside can stay outside

There is a place nearby that will deliver salads to our door.  They’ll deliver other food, too, but they have these really good entree salads, and we can order them and eat them and feel virtuous and lazy at the same time.  Best of both worlds.

Delivery is a dangerous thing.  I could easily become a hermit.  Let my hair grow long again, stop talking to people, have all our food delivered, stay inside and read all the time…it wouldn’t take more than a gentle nudge.

Of course, I say this after having spent the better part of the last two days outside around people, with plans to do the same tomorrow.  I don’t mean it, and yet…I may be reacting to too much socializing.

Short-lived

Well, that didn’t last long.  I have deactivated my Facebook account.  Oh, you didn’t know I had one?  That’s because, once again, I didn’t use it.  I signed up to get the Messenger app so I could keep up with band chatter.  That is no longer a thing I do, so I scrapped the account.  I responded to one or two comments (seriously, no more than three, I think), liked two things, maybe? and used the Messenger app.  A family friend of John’s had to comment on my profile picture because it was the only thing I posted.

So yeah, that’s over.  I’m okay with it.

Slug

It’s Tuesday.  We’ve been done with work for an hour or so.  Neither of us has moved from our desks, but at least we’re not working.  We should go for a bike ride, but the weather has been unreliable today.  It has rained for a bit at least once an hour all day long.  And it’s chilly.  Chilly rain – no, thank you.  We could go for a walk, but we have the same weather problem.  We should go to the grocery store, but we’ve managed to convince ourselves it can wait.  We have a frozen pizza in the fridge – dinner.  I’m meeting Christina for lunch tomorrow – I can bring something home for John.  Tomorrow night, we have plans and we can get dinner while we’re out.  Thursday night, we have better plans, and we’re actually planning a nice dinner out.  Friday – well, hopefully we’ll be on the coast somewhere for the weekend, and that means we don’t have to worry about groceries until next week.

Surely we can muddle through breakfast and lunch the rest of the week on the granola bars, oatmeal, bread, and eggs we’ve got in the house.  Laziness is motivating, even if it sounds like an oxymoron.

Now, I have a headache, so I’m going to read.  Stop making so much noise, please.

Bills should always be due on the first of the month!

Right now, while I’m thinking about it, I’m writing our rent check.  Hang on.

Okay, that’s done.  ALL of our bills are due on the first of the month or just after EXCEPT the rent, which is due on the 15th, and it’s SO hard for me to remember that month after month.  Drives me crazy.  Also, I have to write a physical check and actually mail it, requiring envelopes and stamps – I had to order checks just to pay rent on this apartment because we didn’t have ANY.  And I had a bunch of Forever stamps, but I’m running low, thanks to this particularly backward landlord.  What else do we write checks for?  Nothing.  We can pay all bills online, over the phone via credit card or checking account.  At the last apartment, we paid our rent online.  Everywhere we go takes credit cards, or if they’re cash only, well, they’re cash only, not cash or check.  If they’re cash or check, we make sure we have cash.  If we want to give money to someone, we can transfer it electronically or give them a gift card that is a credit card or give them cash.  CHECKS ARE BASICALLY OBSOLETE and I don’t like them.

Boo checks.  And bills that are due in the middle of the month.

That is all.

Ugh

Another shooting.  Have a picture of kittens instead.

kittensinmugs

Also, apparently I have titled posts “Ugh” two other times.  I am repetitive.  Sorry!  Also also, I upgraded WordPress today and finally installed JetPack, so now I have more stuff to play with.  I got a LOT of spam comments on old posts (a group from 2011 and a group from 2014) all day long, so I added a CAPTCHA that makes you do math.  You’ll have to let me know if it’s too hard for you.  :/  AND I added a Share button.  If it’s annoying, let me know that, too.

Have a puppy, too.

puppy_2-jpg

I still like to read, don’t I?

I gave up on another book today.  Turns out I am not in the mood to read about Elric, Stealer of Souls.  I may never be in that mood.  But now I’m angry with my bookshelf, and I’m afraid to pick another book.  What if I pick up a perfectly good book, one that I would enjoy if I were in another mood, but that might be forever colored by my current mood if I try it and reject it now?  Because, oh yes, I’m in a mood.  I have no reason for it (I could blame it on today being the anniversary of Riley’s death, but that would just be a handy excuse, I think, and not the real reason), but it’s true anyway.

I didn’t start the day this way.  When I woke up, it was a nice morning.  A bit cold, but I wasn’t planning on running.  John and I decided that our Sunday brunch tour of Annapolis would begin today, so we headed out West St figuring we’d find something.  The wait at Miss Shirley’s Cafe was too long (40 minutes), so we’ll try that some other week (earlier), but it was 10am when we came back by Rams Head, and they had just opened for brunch – no wait.  The place was basically empty, so we picked a table all the way in the back.  Shortly after sitting down, we found out that the jazz trio was going to set up right there.  We couldn’t have picked a better spot.  The trio was really good (they did a funky version of “Summertime” (from Porgy and Bess) that I liked a lot), and we were close enough that we could chat with them between songs.  We ended up staying a lot longer than we planned (John has a lot of practicing to do – more on that soon), but we were having a really good time.  When we finally left, I felt like doing some practicing of my own.  We kept our bass guitar because I’ve been thinking about actually learning to play it (as opposed to the barely-getting-by fakery I had down for a few months my senior year in college), and after watching the trio, I felt inspired to start today.

For a while, that went well.  I can get through scales (not prettily, but that’ll come with time – my hands aren’t tiny, but they’re not used to stretching for frets and strings), and before I stopped, I was able to play “Eight Days A Week” along with YouTube (thumping along on the roots only, but it was recognizable).

Then the phone rang (it was Ed, checking in with us since we checked out (and test drove) a Jaguar for him yesterday), and something about that soured my mood.  That’s a little dramatic (and simplified) – I don’t blame the phone call or Ed – but it was around then that I lost any drive to do anything.  I tried to read the Elric book, finishing the first story and starting the second, hoping I’d be more invested, and I just wasn’t.  Skimming pages to get to the end of a chapter is a sign I’m not interested.  BIG sign.  So I gave up on that one and then got mad at books in general (when I scanned the shelf looking for the next one).  I might be feeling the limits I set on myself.  I have maybe 15 physical books left on the shelf, and I told myself that I was going to read them all (and get rid of them) before I went back to e-books.  They’re only on the shelf because they’re books I want to read, so it shouldn’t be a chore.  I could let myself off the hook for one book and read something on my tablet, but in my current mood, that might not work for me either.

John thinks we haven’t had enough down time (people coming to visit, I’m working all the time, we spent all day yesterday driving from here to VA to DC to Alexandria and back home, etc.), so it’s perfectly acceptable for me to melt my brain a little by watching Scandal.  Rationalization is fine with me, so TV it is. May the magic of TV fix my mood!

Get it together!

Things I did today:

  • Work
  • Ordered new sheets for our bed
  • Met Jess for lunch (I don’t think that counts, but it got me out of the apartment)
  • Talked to Mom and Dad (not sure that should count, either – no, it totally counts because we decided on dates for my next visit)

Things I didn’t do today:

  • Run (or work out in any way)
  • Laundry
  • Buy groceries
  • Look for a new job
  • Read my book
  • Play on the internet (this doesn’t count)
  • Write a book
  • Fly a plane
  • Ride a horse
  • Paint a picture
  • Build a house
  • Cure a disease
  • Sing at Carnegie Hall
  • Reach through my computer and strangle someone – oh, wait.  It’s good that I didn’t do that one.

Not every day can be the perfect example of how I want to live my life (yesterday was pretty darn close – it needed more John), but today fell disappointingly short.  It’s my own fault.  I didn’t get out of bed to run, and then I couldn’t get out of my head to enjoy the day, and then I let the rain keep me from the store.  Going to the store wouldn’t have been exciting in any way, but it needs doing, and I’ll feel better when it’s done.

I will just have to do better tomorrow.

This is how I adult

John is out flying, so I am on my own for the early part of the evening.  (This part.  This part we’re in now.)  I’m sure that if this were an alternate universe where I lived alone, I would have a well-stocked kitchen and lots of plans for a Friday evening.  (I know you’re laughing about the well-stocked kitchen part.  Stop that.  You may also be laughing about me having plans.  Hush now.)  In this universe, we have very little food in the apartment.  On the plus side, I’m not really hungry, so it doesn’t really matter.  My dinner tonight consists of the other half of the blueberry muffin I bought for breakfast and some rice crackers that are going stale.  And some pretty good wine, which helps the stale crackers go down.  I am watching not-good TV, and I am trying to ignore the mosquito bite on my knee (from last night – god damn mosquitos).

I really know how to have a good time.  Up next, fold the laundry and do the dishes!

At loose ends

Today has been such a weird day.  We slept in (didn’t get up until nine – gasp!), and we didn’t really have any plans at all.  Had some breakfast, watched a little TV.  All I knew was that I wanted to work out and I might make cookies and I might get to the store.  Anything else was fine.  John went into the other room to play his guitar (I believe he’s trying to write something), and I…couldn’t decide what to do.  I finished one book last night, so I started another one.  Got 6% in.  Not interested.  Put it down.  No big loss – it was $1.99 and I don’t remember whose recommendation put it on my list, but it’s been there for a long time.  Picked another book, one I should LOVE.  Got 8% in.  I don’t like it.  I think.  I can’t tell if I really don’t like it or if I’m just not in the mood.  But I put it down.  Okay, then.  I decided I’d go to the gym.  (It’s really cold and windy – not running outside.)  I put workout clothes on.  I got ready to leave the apartment.  Eh, didn’t really feel like using the treadmill, and I can do plenty of exercises right here in the living room.  So I didn’t leave.  Tried to do zumba with Lisa’s youtube videos.  Too weird.  Push-ups?  I did 15.  Anything else?  Nah.  Didn’t feel like it.  …  Okay, then.  What do I do when I don’t feel like exercising and I can’t decide what I want to read?  Play on the internet, right?  Wrong.  Not in the mood.  What the hell is wrong with me?

Well, cleaning the apartment was also on the list for the weekend, so I clipped my tiny mp3 player to my shirt (still in my workout clothes), and cleaned the apartment.  While singing along to random favorite songs.  You know what?  THAT’S what I needed to get me out of whatever funk I fell into after breakfast today.  CLEANING.  Again, what the hell is wrong with me?

Actually, I think it was the music and the singing, so you can all rest easy.  John eventually came out of the other room, decided HE wanted to work out, and I tagged along.  Much better.  Now I’m clean and dressed in normal clothes and the apartment is clean and I’m waiting for John to get out of the shower and then we’re going to try to grab some dinner out and see Kingsman: The Secret Service, which I’ve been excited about since I saw the preview months and months ago.  Possibly when we saw Guardians of the Galaxy, way back in August.

I’m glad I got all that sorted out.  Of course, I still haven’t picked my next book.

Some days it’s harder to stay positive

Things to remember that are good right now:

  • Our house is under contract.
  • I’m going on vacation in a week and a half to someplace warm and sunny.
  • um….

I mean, sure, I could start listing things like friends and family who are wonderful, and that John and I are in good health, and we have a roof over our heads and jobs we don’t hate, but that starts to sound treacly and some other word I can’t quite put my finger on.  YES, there are plenty of things to be happy about or grateful for or whatever, but GAH!  I feel stuck sometimes.  Still in the house, still going to the office every day, still living the same life.  Where are my changes?

[Pause for perspective]

That’s a little ridiculous (a lot ridiculous).  I’ve been making changes all along.  I’m exercising more, doing things I like with people I like.  I make more time to read (on weekends, anyway).  John and I have been enjoying more of the geeky things in life (all those games, some of the TV we watch).  My time is more my own (our time is more our own), and I need every minute of it.

Maybe I’ll stop whining.  For now.  Just a little break.

I’m having a day

I’m feeling grumpy today.  It’s Monday, for one.  I’m not Garfield (I do love lasagna), but I don’t know anyone who’s truly pleased when Monday starts.  We were both sound asleep when the alarm went off, so dragging ourselves out of bed was difficult, and then small tasks seemed to be too tricky to handle.  Before boxing this morning, an eyelash tried to stab me in the eye, so we lost time getting that taken care of, and then John couldn’t dig his keys out of the small bag they were hiding in, and I had trouble keeping my wraps from twisting while I was putting them on (in the car, in the dark).  And that’s all before 6am.  Not a good start.

Work didn’t help (although nothing happened, so work didn’t hurt, either), but  I would really appreciate it if I could get my weekend back, have a do-over, and try Monday again.  Actually, since doing Monday AGAIN doesn’t sound all that appealing, how about if we just skip ahead to this coming weekend?  I don’t have anything all that important going on this week anyway.

Making an effort to relax (Is that an oxymoron?) (YOU’RE an oxymoron.)

I don’t want to be stressed.  So I’m declaring the house a stress-free zone.  (We’ll ignore the fact that the house is part of the problem.)  I don’t want to mix home-time with the outside world.  I’d like to come home and just relax.  If it’s not in the house, I don’t want to think about it.  Tonight has been a good start.  John was home when I got home, and we sat down to eat.  Watched an hour of TV, and now we’re listening to classical music and playing on our laptops at the dining room table.  Bedtime is not far off (tomorrow morning starts at 4:45), and tomorrow night I might try going back to yoga.  I want time that is quiet and peaceful and smells like lavender.  (I always want to spell “lavender” like “calendar”, but I get to the -dar at the end, realize it’s wrong, wonder why it’s wrong, change it, and move on.  Every time.)

If I have to deal with winter (it got dark so EARLY), I want my winter to be warm and cozy and quiet and relaxing and you know, since our house isn’t selling, that doesn’t seem like too much to ask.  I want to stay HOME.

I don’t get it

Sunbathing is not for me.  I don’t understand how people do it for hours on end.  I can’t even manage half an hour.  I figured I’d take advantage of an afternoon off to see if I could get rid of some tan lines before the wedding (strapless bridesmaid dress – it’s making me do crazy things, apparently), so I put on some sunscreen, laid out on the deck, set a timer for 15 minutes, and started to sweat.   It was awful.  And boring, even listening to Anne of Avonlea.  I flipped over after 15 minutes, but I didn’t make it more than another 3 before I gave up.  I was so uncomfortable!  So I’ll just have some (hopefully faint) tank top lines over my shoulders and two fairly pale legs.  This is what I look like.  I can deal.