I woke up this morning a little crazy with anxiety. The worst thing about it is that I woke up with a list of all the things I should be doing on a loop in my head, and then I froze. I could have gotten up right then to get started on the list, but did I? No, I stayed in bed. Because I could put off all the hard things. I do that all the time (procrastinate). Of course, that gives me less time overall to get everything done, so all it really does is ratchet up the anxiety a little more. Not exactly helpful behavior.
Instead, let’s a play a game (courtesy of Mom) called “What’s the worst that could happen?”
Anxiety Causing Thing #1: Quiz #4 for vector calculus and the midterm I have to take on Thursday
What’s the worst that could happen? Well, I could get all the answers wrong on my quiz, but that doesn’t affect my grade (just makes my professor think I’m an idiot), so there isn’t anything to worry about there. Of course, my performance on my quizzes is an indicator of my performance on the midterm, so if I don’t do well on my quizzes, I may not do well on my midterm. And I could fail my midterm. So what if I do? I won’t have a very good grade in my calculus class. That would be a blow to my ego (something I could survive), and it may put me on the road to failing this class. What if I fail the class? I’m taking it online at a community college because I need the prereq for grad school. If I fail it, I’m out approximately $350. If I fail it, I can retake it later. Will I fail it? Probably not. I may not get an A. I may not even get a B. But I probably won’t fail. I submitted my quiz this morning (confident that I got three out of four right), so that’s out of my hands, and I still have today, tomorrow, Wednesday, and part of Thursday to study for the midterm. Breathe deep.
Anxiety Causing Thing #2: Work
What’s the worst that could happen? I could get fired. Or laid off. Or whatever. That could happen, but there’s nothing I can do about it (and there’s no immediate indication that it’s coming), so that’s not what’s making me edgy. There’s nothing specific about work that’s bothering me. No major deadlines, no one is asking me to do anything I’m not capable of, I don’t have any issues with any coworkers. I just don’t like it. I don’t want to come here every day. (I know, whine whine whine, most people don’t actually like going to work.) I want to do something with flexible hours where I can work from home and have more time for me. The math that’s stressing me out is the first step in that direction, so this is more of a low-level, back-burner, always-bugging-me sort of thing that every once in a while jumps up and says, “Hey! Loser! Worry about me!”
Anxiety Causing Thing #3: Army Ten-Miler
Did I tell you about this? A few weeks ago, John registered to run in the Army Ten-Miler this October, and I caved to the very mild peer pressure and registered with him. So what’s the worst that could happen? I’ll be so slow that the bus that picks up the slowpokes who aren’t going to finish in the required time will pick me up. Humiliating. I have 17 weeks to train for it. I had more, but I didn’t use them. I can’t procrastinate on this one, so every day I don’t start this training plan gets under my skin, and I didn’t run today. Well, I kinda did. I sprinted around the block (up the hills) a couple of times with the dogs this morning. My math anxiety trumped my race anxiety this morning – I spent the extra time on my quiz. (SuzRocks sent me a link to a half-marathon training plan. I figure if I’m capable of running a half-marathon by the time I finish training, ten miles should seem easy. Ish. I just need to start the &^$* training plan.)
There are other things that bug me (there are always other things), but those are the three I woke up with this morning. Peace, serenity, lots of gym time tonight, some studying…I’ve got it under control.