anti-social

Outlet

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Our permanent someday home might need a heavy punching bag installed in the basement.  I could sure use one to beat up on right now.  I’ve been dealing with Mr. Smug Patronizer Who Thinks He’s More Important Than Everyone Else all day, and I need to let off some steam.  Counting to ten and taking deep breaths isn’t working.  I can’t go for a run (not a very satisfying one, anyway) because the sidewalks are treacherous, and the gym is just too far away.  I guess I’ll have to get over this by eating cookies.  Mmm.  Cookies.

I still like to read, don’t I?

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I gave up on another book today.  Turns out I am not in the mood to read about Elric, Stealer of Souls.  I may never be in that mood.  But now I’m angry with my bookshelf, and I’m afraid to pick another book.  What if I pick up a perfectly good book, one that I would enjoy if I were in another mood, but that might be forever colored by my current mood if I try it and reject it now?  Because, oh yes, I’m in a mood.  I have no reason for it (I could blame it on today being the anniversary of Riley’s death, but that would just be a handy excuse, I think, and not the real reason), but it’s true anyway.

I didn’t start the day this way.  When I woke up, it was a nice morning.  A bit cold, but I wasn’t planning on running.  John and I decided that our Sunday brunch tour of Annapolis would begin today, so we headed out West St figuring we’d find something.  The wait at Miss Shirley’s Cafe was too long (40 minutes), so we’ll try that some other week (earlier), but it was 10am when we came back by Rams Head, and they had just opened for brunch – no wait.  The place was basically empty, so we picked a table all the way in the back.  Shortly after sitting down, we found out that the jazz trio was going to set up right there.  We couldn’t have picked a better spot.  The trio was really good (they did a funky version of “Summertime” (from Porgy and Bess) that I liked a lot), and we were close enough that we could chat with them between songs.  We ended up staying a lot longer than we planned (John has a lot of practicing to do – more on that soon), but we were having a really good time.  When we finally left, I felt like doing some practicing of my own.  We kept our bass guitar because I’ve been thinking about actually learning to play it (as opposed to the barely-getting-by fakery I had down for a few months my senior year in college), and after watching the trio, I felt inspired to start today.

For a while, that went well.  I can get through scales (not prettily, but that’ll come with time – my hands aren’t tiny, but they’re not used to stretching for frets and strings), and before I stopped, I was able to play “Eight Days A Week” along with YouTube (thumping along on the roots only, but it was recognizable).

Then the phone rang (it was Ed, checking in with us since we checked out (and test drove) a Jaguar for him yesterday), and something about that soured my mood.  That’s a little dramatic (and simplified) – I don’t blame the phone call or Ed – but it was around then that I lost any drive to do anything.  I tried to read the Elric book, finishing the first story and starting the second, hoping I’d be more invested, and I just wasn’t.  Skimming pages to get to the end of a chapter is a sign I’m not interested.  BIG sign.  So I gave up on that one and then got mad at books in general (when I scanned the shelf looking for the next one).  I might be feeling the limits I set on myself.  I have maybe 15 physical books left on the shelf, and I told myself that I was going to read them all (and get rid of them) before I went back to e-books.  They’re only on the shelf because they’re books I want to read, so it shouldn’t be a chore.  I could let myself off the hook for one book and read something on my tablet, but in my current mood, that might not work for me either.

John thinks we haven’t had enough down time (people coming to visit, I’m working all the time, we spent all day yesterday driving from here to VA to DC to Alexandria and back home, etc.), so it’s perfectly acceptable for me to melt my brain a little by watching Scandal.  Rationalization is fine with me, so TV it is. May the magic of TV fix my mood!

Single-minded and annoyed to boot

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You know how when one thing in your life is acting up (it’s usually work), you can’t think about anything else?  It’s this constant irritation (and it’s usually work), and much as you’d like to think about other things, more pleasant things, this ONE THING (usually work) takes up all available brain space.

Oh, you’re telling me a funny story?  I’m sorry – I was distracted by thoughts of the big annoying thing that isn’t going the way it should (work, most likely).  We’re going to watch TV?  Let’s choose something I don’t have to pay much attention to because my mind will be going in circles about how to solve a problem like Maria (except no singing, no dancing, no love story because it’s almost certainly work).

Actually, The Sound of Music might help.  “How you solve a problem like Maria” might not solve my problem (with, let’s face it, work), but it might be the most effective distraction.  If only it weren’t raining and I had a handy hilltop or convent to spin around in…

This is how I adult

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John is out flying, so I am on my own for the early part of the evening.  (This part.  This part we’re in now.)  I’m sure that if this were an alternate universe where I lived alone, I would have a well-stocked kitchen and lots of plans for a Friday evening.  (I know you’re laughing about the well-stocked kitchen part.  Stop that.  You may also be laughing about me having plans.  Hush now.)  In this universe, we have very little food in the apartment.  On the plus side, I’m not really hungry, so it doesn’t really matter.  My dinner tonight consists of the other half of the blueberry muffin I bought for breakfast and some rice crackers that are going stale.  And some pretty good wine, which helps the stale crackers go down.  I am watching not-good TV, and I am trying to ignore the mosquito bite on my knee (from last night – god damn mosquitos).

I really know how to have a good time.  Up next, fold the laundry and do the dishes!

I got over it

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The washing machine mirrored my mood yesterday.  I went into the dank basement (also appropriate to my mood) of our building to do some laundry.  One of the washing machines started right up, but when I pushed the start button on the other one, it didn’t start.  Then it kind of shrugged over a little bit, half-heartedly.  No water yet.  Stopped.  Shrugged another half-turn.  Stopped.  Stayed stopped.  Still stopped.  So powered it off and back on again.  Start button.  Another half-turn.  Then I gave up and stalked up the stairs.  I may have thrown my hands in the air and shouted a little.  (I was very much in a mood all day yesterday.  This didn’t help.)  I figured if it wasn’t done when I came down to move the clothes into the dryers, I’d move it to the other machine.

Then I forgot about the laundry for lots of hours.  (Enough hours that I felt like a jerk – what if the other tenants had planned to do laundry?)  Luckily for my mood, both washers worked, and the clothes were clean and ready for the dryer.  And John bought me ice cream, and I felt better.

Aren’t you glad there’s a happy ending?

Small town? Large town? Hard to say

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Our apartment is only about 4 miles from (not) our house, but I shop at different stores (except Wegmans), go to different gas stations, different Starbucks, different Panera, take a completely different way to work…sometimes it feels like we moved much further away.  I don’t see the people I used to see around, which makes perfect sense – they’re not our neighbors anymore.

I do still occasionally run into people we know, though.  I went for a run after work yesterday and ran into a woman from our boxing class.  I guess she lives in THIS part of town, and now that I do, too, it makes perfect sense to see her out and about.  But it’s still not that far from where we lived before, so it seems insane to think we never crossed paths before.  Outside of boxing.

Probably a whole third of the people I work with live in this town – how is it that I never see any of them around?  Because really – I NEVER see anyone from work, and we’re all practically next door neighbors.  Where are they all hiding?  Maybe I’m oblivious to it.  They see me coming and duck behind the nearest bush.  It’s what I would do if I saw them first, so I can’t blame them if that’s what’s happening.  People from work should stay at work (with very few exceptions).

Or I should hurry up and move away.  Like, actually move away.  Four miles is a tease.

I should have checked it myself

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I went to the eye doctor Friday afternoon, got my new prescriptions (glasses and contacts), and spent a few minutes trying on a ton of frames.  I narrowed it down to three, but it was the end of the week and I didn’t want to make any more decisions that day and besides, I wanted John’s opinion since he has to look at me, so I asked them to save the three I liked so I could come back this weekend.  I had the same conversation with TWO people who work there.  I said I would come back Saturday or Sunday.  I definitely listed BOTH days as possibilities.  NEITHER of them thought to say, “But we’re closed Sunday.”  Since they didn’t say it, I assumed they’d be open.  Silly me, assuming things.  I didn’t bother checking online to see if they’d be open on Sunday because I had TWO conversations with employees about how I might come back on Sunday to buy frames and THEY DIDN’T TELL ME THE PLACE WOULD BE CLOSED.  (I’m mildly annoyed.)

John and I got in the car, drove over to the place, found it locked.  Yup, the hours listed clearly say it’s closed on Sundays.  Tomorrow, I’ll call first.  I had a conversation with the guy showing me frames on Friday about how I have Monday off, and he specifically said he doesn’t, that he’d be working, so I’m pretty sure they’re open tomorrow, but I have learned my lesson.  You can’t trust anybody these days.

I don’t want to fight

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I just had a work conversation with a friend of mine that nearly turned into a fight.  Verbal, of course.  I’d never hit her.  (Hard.  I mean, at all.)  We were discussing an issue, and I told her people were looking into it, and then she started going on about how we were really going to have to tell our customers something because if we were going to do it this way, they need to know.  I agree with her, except that in this case, we’re most likely NOT going to keep doing that thing.  It’s not correct, and I’m sure the people who are looking into it are coming to that conclusion.  So we don’t NEED to tell our customers every time we do it because we’re going to STOP doing it.  I started to say we don’t need to warn our customers every time, but she interrupted me before I could say “because it’s a bug and we’re going to fix it” and got very heated about how it’s not okay NOT to tell them, and I couldn’t get her to stop long enough for me to finish my sentence.  Then she stopped to breathe, I was able to get a word in, and we’re fine.

Yeah, okay, it wasn’t anything close to a fight.  But it was annoying and unnecessary, and it’s a good thing she’s far away and this was a phone call.  Or maybe that made it harder…

I don’t like to fight with people I know.  I don’t really like to fight with anybody, but if you’re on my doorstep (or on the phone) and not listening when I tell you I’m not interested in what you’re selling, I will be direct and I will tell you to go away.  Are you supposed to be providing me a service and you’re doing it badly?  I will not roll over and let you (I am my father’s daughter).  It’s situational, of course.  How annoying is the problem?  How seriously does it affect me?  I usually don’t go all confrontational in restaurants out of worry that someone will do something to my food, and I don’t do it while driving out of fear that the nutjob tailgating me has a gun or something.  Just about anything else is fair game.  I work in customer service, so I try to be fair when I’m talking to someone else in customer service, but that also means that I know how it SHOULD work.  I will switch companies based on that alone (and I have – I’m looking at you, Bank), but I will also let supervisors know when I get really GOOD service.  I emailed United about the super-helpful ticket agent after their fiasco with the canceled flight to Orlando a few years ago, and Navy Federal and USAA provide consistently wonderful service.  Why can’t everyone?  I love ThinkGeek’s customer service, and I’ve heard wonderful things about Zappos (but I’ve never needed to deal with them).  It’s really not hard, people.  Is it telling that I started talking about fighting and moved on to customer service?  Calling customer service shouldn’t have to be a fight!

I’m sorry.  A small annoyance with a work friend turned into a mini-rant about customer service.  It’s IMPORTANT, damn it!

It’s not a habit yet

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I’m skipping yoga tonight.  I don’t remember how many times you’re supposed to do something before it becomes a habit, but I’m pretty sure going one week, skipping three weeks, going one week, and then skipping the next week is NOT the way to do it.  But I’m tired (today was a long day), and I have a headache, and I want to go to bed early, and wow, can you hear the whining?  Anyway, I’m comfortable here on the couch, and that’s where I’m staying.

Now, pardon me while I have tea and a croissant for dinner.

Making an effort to relax (Is that an oxymoron?) (YOU’RE an oxymoron.)

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I don’t want to be stressed.  So I’m declaring the house a stress-free zone.  (We’ll ignore the fact that the house is part of the problem.)  I don’t want to mix home-time with the outside world.  I’d like to come home and just relax.  If it’s not in the house, I don’t want to think about it.  Tonight has been a good start.  John was home when I got home, and we sat down to eat.  Watched an hour of TV, and now we’re listening to classical music and playing on our laptops at the dining room table.  Bedtime is not far off (tomorrow morning starts at 4:45), and tomorrow night I might try going back to yoga.  I want time that is quiet and peaceful and smells like lavender.  (I always want to spell “lavender” like “calendar”, but I get to the -dar at the end, realize it’s wrong, wonder why it’s wrong, change it, and move on.  Every time.)

If I have to deal with winter (it got dark so EARLY), I want my winter to be warm and cozy and quiet and relaxing and you know, since our house isn’t selling, that doesn’t seem like too much to ask.  I want to stay HOME.

Boycott

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We’re going to boycott Halloween this year.  (This’ll be the first year little kids will come to our door and not get all excited about the “Doggies!”)  Shouldn’t be hard, considering we haven’t decorated or bought any candy.  Rather than sit in a dark house (which would be kinda spooky, actually) and pretend we’re not home, we’re going to the movies so as to actually not be home (leaving a dark house to creep out the neighbors).

I’m in avoidance mode.

 

Everything gets in the way

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Things have been busy.  And stressful.  And sometimes, even when I have time to myself in the evenings, I’m so worn out from EVERYTHING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED EVER that I can’t do anything but sit on the couch and watch Scrubs.  Sometimes I can stretch my brain far enough for Mad Men, but that doesn’t happen as often as it should.  So I haven’t been here.  And I’ve been trying not to feel guilty about it.  I feel guilty about other things – no, not guilty (not about everything, but definitely about some things).  Responsible.  And that’s tiring.  Weighs me down.  So I let this go.  Not writing doesn’t hurt anybody.  I let other things go, like book club.  We were reading good books (most of the time), but fitting in the time to go to the meetings turned into another responsibility, another obligation.  I have other obligations, ones that are more important to me, so I let that one go.  I’m tired of ignoring my friends (hi, friends!).  What other things can I let go of?  Selling the house ought to open up some time (no more open houses every single weekend), but then moving will take over with all the packing that entails.  But then we move.  Will free time appear the way we hope it will?  Emily’s wedding will be past us soon – that should free up some weekends.

So am I back?  I’ll try.  But it might be at the expense of other things.  I don’t like having to choose.

Wanna feel better?  Visit the Bloggess’s Pinterest page.  Some highlights:

 

 

 

 

And…you’re welcome.

 

Oh, the guilt!

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I skipped posting yesterday (and Monday, I think), and I just can’t live with myself.  I was doing so well!  All but two days in January, and then all of February….until this week.  This week has been hard.  Not enough sleep (thanks, Riley), too many meetings and not enough actual work at work, other stuff – I would like a vacation, please.  One where John and I can be quiet together and read and sleep and play on the internet and watch TV and not have to talk to other people or work or think about house things.  I don’t see that in our future.  There’s too much to do.  But it’s not like we’re not having ANY fun.  I mean, the Moulin Rouge sing-along was pretty darn fun.  Oh, dudes.  I won a can-can contest.  For reals.  Although I’m sure it helped that not one of the three contestants actually knows how to can-can.  But it was fun.  And I have proof (in the form of very grainy pictures from far away).  That’s me in the middle.

Anti-social

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I don’t care.  Leave me alone.

That’s what I wanted to say all day at work today.  Nothing bad happened – it was mostly a normal day, but I didn’t really feel like engaging with anyone.  Go away, everyone, I don’t care.  Leave me alone.  I just want some quiet time.

Luckily there’s a weekend in my immediate future.  🙂  And an outing!

Um

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Hey.  How’re things?  Yeah?  That’s good.  Same here.  Work?  Yeah.  Never changes.  Mm-hmm. Alright, well, I’ve gotta go…yeah, you, too.  See you later.

I don’t want to keep having that conversation.  But neighbors, you know?  What can you do?

Don’t make me talk to her anymore

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We have a habit of picking up dinner from Ledo’s Pizza most Wednesday nights.  It’s right around the corner from the gym (same shopping center), and I always go to my zumba class from 6 to 7, so John calls ahead and I pick up dinner on my way home.  Simple for everyone.  Sure, pizza isn’t the greatest thing to eat when I’m trying to be all healthy and stuff, but I get a little one, I swear.  🙂

Lately, though, I’ve been dreading going in there.  There’s this girl, in her early 20s I think, who’s ALWAYS working Wednesday nights, and she is ANNOYING.  She wants to chat, and I’m sweaty and tired and hungry and I just want to pay for my food and take it home.  Stop talking to me!  But of course I’m pleasant and I chat back and I think “Oh god, just take my credit card already.  Why are you taking so long?  Please let me go home.”  And then I practically run out the door.  Nicely.

I’ve probably just jinxed the summer weather – it’ll be cold now

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I worked from home today because the guys came to replace the HVAC system (and because it was my turn – John stayed home when the painters came).  Now we have a brand new furnace and A/C!  Very exciting.  And they’re pretty, as these things go.  Shiny, anyway.  Unfortunately, I now have a giant, horrible, throbbing, not-at-ALL fun headache.  To go with my stuffy nose and watery eyes.  They ran the heater for a while to make sure everything was working correctly, so it got really hot and stuffy in here, and I’m tempted to open the windows because it’s so pleasant outside, but I think that would be a mistake.  A HORRIBLE MISTAKE.  And I’m not that dumb.  Today.  Ask me again tomorrow.

I flaked on Jess and her mom about the 5K tomorrow because I feel crappy.  It’s not so much about the 5K as it is about not being very good company and being away from home when I feel crappy.  Nobody likes to be away from home when the highlight of your day is the 15 minutes spent feeling slightly less crappy because you were standing under wonderfully hot water in the shower.

I think staring at tiny letters on a screen is not helping my headache, so I’m going to stop.  Also, I need to congratulate myself on finding the end of the work day.  Is it stupid to drink wine when I feel crappy?  Because I think I would like some wine.

Acting like a child. Except for the refinancing thing. And the taxes.

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I can’t figure this weekend out.  I’m in kind of a funk.  A petty annoying funk.  I did stuff yesterday (the gym, wrestled with TurboTax on linux, a couple of errands), but not enough.  I HAVE to get to the store today (we’re nearly out of calf liver for Roxy, and we need some other essentials), and I need to go to the gym…I think I’m going to put off my pedicure until later in the week or next weekend…

I did just finish our taxes, so that’s something.  I broke down and used my work laptop.

I’m on the verge of pouting because I have to go to the store.  Or because I have to go to the gym and the store, and that’s a lot of time out of the house.  Pouting!  Jesus.  I think it’s Sunday Afternoon Syndrome.  I can feel the weekend slipping away.

[Break]

Haven’t left the house yet (it’s about two hours later), but I’m about to.  John and I did finally call the bank to discuss refinancing, and now that we have all the numbers, it’s possible that we just won’t.  It depends on when we’re really trying to get out of this house.  I feel better having gotten that information (I’ve backed off from the pouting ledge).  And we’re about to go to the store.  Looks like the gym isn’t happening today.  I can take a day off, right?

It’s book club night!

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Tonight we will discuss Before I Go to Sleep, which I enjoyed.  I’m sure we’ll only spend about ten minutes talking about the book and the rest of the time chatting about schools and kids and teaching at schools and teaching kids.  (Every single person there (except for me) is either a teacher, a mom, or both.)  Not that I mind.  They’re not boring.  Here’s the only scary thing about tonight: they put me on the rotation.  That means that in a few short months, I will have to host the book club.  I’ll need to pick a book (I’ll accept suggestions!), but that’s not so scary.  This is: all of these women (who live in very large, very nice houses) will be in MY little house.  And they will be judging me.  I know they won’t be mean (certainly not to my face, and possibly not at all – they seem very nice), but still.  Having a large group of strangers (practically) in my house is not anything like having a large group of friends over.  So I’m a little nervous.  Several months in advance.