anti-social

I can be kind of a jerk

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A mom I don’t know very well contacted me the other morning and asked if she could call me.  She had something she wanted to talk to me about.  ON THE PHONE.  Who does that?  To an acquaintance?!

Judging her.

Her message (via WhatsApp) was FULL of typos.  Like, so many typos.  (SO MANY TYPOS.)

Judging her.

She didn’t give me any indication of what it was about.  John was convinced she was going to try to sell me something, maybe try to involve me in a pyramid scheme.  I told her I was free all day EXCEPT for between 3 and 4 pm.

A few hours later, she replied and said she’d call me around 3pm.

Judging her.

I responded right away and said no, that’s when I CAN’T talk. Let’s aim for 4:30.  She said okay.  More typos.

Judging her.

She called me at 4:33. I was prepared to be all annoyed that she was late, but I’m not a monster.  No judging on that one.

Are you ready for the anti-climax of your life?

The conversation was perfectly pleasant, she was perfectly nice, and she was calling to tell me she’s offering a free fitness class over Zoom Saturday morning and wanted to know if a) I was interested, and b) do I think it’s okay if she tells the mom group we have on WhatsApp about it.  The answers were yes, and of course, I think they’d be excited about it, and hey, it was really nice to talk to you.

I feel like I should apologize, even though I didn’t express any of those terrible things to her.

Venturing out

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I went to the grocery store yesterday morning, and aside from being limited to buying only one package of toilet paper, one package of paper towels, and so on, it was very non-apocalyptic.  Hardly any shortages of any actual food (no dried black beans, to John’s continual disappointment, no vanilla extract, not much flour, and ZERO pancake mix) but plenty of eggs and other stuff.  The aisles are all designated one-way, to avoid people have to pass each other too closely, and everyone (myself included) was wearing at least a mask, sometimes gloves, too.  Masks make it a little melodramatic, like we’re in a Western.  Mine was a red bandana, another guy’s was a black bandana, and one woman was wearing a winter scarf around her face.  The actual medical-looking masks ruin the showdown vibe.  Another woman was wearing what might have been a motorcycle mask – she took us a little Mad Max.

I sanitized my hands before I touched the car, sanitized them again after putting the groceries in the car, washed my hands when I got home, after I unloaded the groceries (which I wiped down), and after I put them away.  The sweatshirt (I wore it as a coat) and my mask went straight into the laundry.  I’m as confident as I can be that I didn’t bring any nasty viruses into the house, and I bought enough that I shouldn’t have to make another major trip for a couple-three weeks.  Just milk, bread, maybe eggs.

My no-sew bandana mask worked great, though.  I could breathe, it didn’t slip, and I didn’t have to sew anything.  Two sanitized thumbs up.

Blogs and books and bears – okay, no bears

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My blogging muscle appears to have atrophied.  I don’t know if I just don’t have anything to say, or if I’m avoiding it because I’m a little single-minded lately and I don’t want to be repetitive, or if I just haven’t felt like it and when I think about it, I decide I’d rather be reading.

It’s a little of all three and a lot of the last one, which is kind of funny because I’ve also fallen into a book funk.  AND my book list broke because it got too big and I’m going to have to change the format of it, and I need a test version of my site so I can poke around and try things, and I haven’t gotten around to doing that, and maybe that’s also a little bit of why I’ve stayed away?

Anyway, the book funk.  The last book I read that I LOVED was 13 books ago.  Of the 12 since then, including the one I’m reading now, I liked six okay, really liked only one (The Trespasser by Tana French), thought two were meh but finished them anyway, and I gave up on three.

The books I gave up on:

  • Magic Bites, the first Kate Daniels book, by Ilona Andrews.  It’s urban fantasy, or maybe paranormal romance, or maybe both.  I like that genre (duh), but I just didn’t care about this one.  Couldn’t get into it.  There’s one series like this that I heard was really good starting with the second book, but I can’t remember if it was this one, and Twitter wasn’t able to help me when I asked.  So I gave it up.  There are lots of other books in the sea.
  • A Window Opens, by Elizabeth Egan.  Supposed to be in the vein of Where’d You Go, Bernadette, which I LOVED, and Today Will Be Different, which I strongly disliked (both by Maria Semple).  This one fell into the strongly dislike category.  The main character and the overall situation should be relatable, but I just can’t with her character, her decisions, her choices.  So I quit halfway through.
  • The Woman in Cabin 10, by Ruth Ware.  It’s a thriller, but I didn’t like the protagonist, and the whole thing felt weirdly paced and plotted.  I don’t think I made it a third of the way in.

Thankfully, the book I picked up after giving up on those last two IN A ROW was one of the Hugo nominees, and while it had a slow start, I ended up liking it just fine.  Now I’m reading one that I’m enjoying, but I don’t love – I don’t have that need to drop everything else so I can have more time to read.

I am confident that I can climb out of my book funk, though.  There’s a Tanya Huff trilogy I haven’t read yet staring at me from the shelf, and the Hugo Voter Packet should arrive soonish, which is SUPER exciting and which I’ll tell you all about when it gets here.

I’m still here

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Hi.  I’m back (as you may have noticed after the last few days of semi-consistent posting).  I’m sorry I went mostly dark, but I was trying really really hard not to talk about something, and when I’m bursting to talk about something, I can’t think of anything else to say.  I’m fine in person (although I went almost full hermit, so I didn’t have to test that very often), but for blogging purposes, it basically elbowed everything else out of my head.

But hey, the secret is out (THANK GOODNESS), and my head feels clearer.

I’m not being deliberately enigmatic.  I mean, I am, but not with the intention of leaving anyone in the dark.  It’s just that I don’t tend to get too personal here, so it feels kind of weird.  On the other hand, I plan to talk about it (or at least not NOT talk about it), so for the maybe ONE person who reads me who isn’t an immediate family member or high school/college friend: I’m pregnant.  Yay, happy dance, and all that stuff.

You know what?  I am going to talk about it.  Because it STILL doesn’t feel quite real, and it’s kinda freaking me out.  That it doesn’t feel real, I mean.  Despite the fact that less than a week ago I was at the doctor’s office and I heard the baby’s heartbeat, it appears that I need further proof.  (I mean, maybe that tiny fast heartbeat was just a clever ruse because the doctor is in on this charade or maybe it’s a tiny mechanical device, like a pacemaker, that somehow got implanted or hey, maybe it’s a tiny ticking bomb (and you know what?  it kind of is).  I’m not showing yet, and my first trimester symptoms have been pretty mild, with the exception of OH MY GOD THE WORST TASTE IN MY MOUTH ALL THE TIME except when I’m eating which means I want to eat ALL THE TIME but eating for two isn’t really a thing and gaining too much weight too fast is a BAD thing and also I’m supposed to drink a TON of water and water TASTES BAD because of this awful taste and please please please make it go away as this trimester ends….

It is getting slightly less unbearable, so I have hope.  Also, I have noticed actual feelings of lightheadedness and weakness when I need to eat something, which is new and unusual and super not fun.

So I’m looking forward to LOOKING pregnant.  I think.

Oh, also, we’re calling unborn child Hugo (Hugo Nebula when we’re being formal) until he or she is born because due to the timing, we will not be able to go to WorldCon for the Hugo Awards.  Turns out they don’t let women on planes when they’re THAT pregnant.  Color me disappointed, but there will be other years.  Our little baby nerd will go to LOTS of conventions with us.

Hermiting

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I don’t think I’m going to leave the house today.  It’s my rest day, so I’m not running or going to the gym or going to yoga.  Wendy didn’t reschedule my lesson, so I’m not going out to her farm.  John is going to go tour a studio with the band in about half an hour, and they might go out for a beer or maybe dinner after, and right now, I’m thinking I won’t join them.  I have dinner stuff at home.  It stopped raining, and I could go for a walk or something, but it’s chilly and I’d have to put shoes on and eh.  Outside will be there tomorrow.

I will read my book (I need to finish The Sympathizer by Tuesday night) or watch a movie and have some wine and eat scrambled eggs with broccoli and cauliflower and sausage and cheese.  I will be quiet and warm and cozy, and I won’t have to talk to anyone.

I hope I didn’t just jinx myself.

Hush please

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You know the noise you make when you’re relieved and you sigh?  Or maybe you feel refreshed and you sigh audibly?  Vocally.  You know?

DON’T DO IT IN YOGA CLASS.

And that other noise you make when you stretch really long first thing in the morning or after sitting in one position too long?  A sort of pleased moan or groan?

DON’T DO IT IN YOGA CLASS.

I’m thrilled that you’re enjoying yourself, and I agree, yoga DOES feel good, BUT KEEP IT TO YOURSELF, PLEASE.  This is my quiet time.  Except for the instructor’s guidance, I can pretend I’m all alone.  Your happy noises make that difficult.

That is all.

Now please go away

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I am out of sorts.  There’s no good reason for it – I just can’t decide what I want.  No, it’s more like I have reasons not to do what I want, and I’m going to stick to them, and because sticking to them is annoying me (because I’m not doing what I want), I want to stick to them MORE because I shouldn’t be swayed just because the things I decided are annoying to me right this second.  I am not at the mercy of my whims!  Or my mood.

I’m going to scramble some eggs and read my book until the band starts rehearsing and then I’ll put on headphones and switch to a movie and it will be nice and relaxing.  BECAUSE I SAID SO.

And I am in charge.

(I think I should hurry the eggs up.  I might be hangry.)

I refuse to let it get to me

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I feel like people have been asking me questions I can’t answer for the last two days.  At work, I mean, not personally.  That’s not to say that I’m capable of answering every question ANYone asks me, but the lack of answers at work (and the expectation that I would know the answers or that it’s my responsibility to find them out) is weighing on me.  (The feeling of helplessness about the world is part of it, I’m sure.)

Last night’s yoga class was good, totally unlike the one the night before.  This one was more active, more challenging.  It kept my brain focused on my form (and on not falling over).  Today I didn’t get to do yoga, but I did ride, and for that hour or so, again, I was focused on what I was doing (and not falling off).  I had to deal with a stubborn horse who didn’t want to get caught, and then didn’t want to slow down when I asked, and then didn’t want to go in the direction I wanted to go in.  It was good – I learned more about how to be the boss when the horse decides he knows better – and it took me out of myself.

And then I got home, found out I don’t have jury duty tomorrow, watched the end of Broadchurch season two, and sat down to a blank computer screen with no idea what I was going to write and no ideas.

And now I’m here.  Less depressing tomorrow?  Sure!

I can’t believe I actually want it to rain

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I checked the weather on Friday and saw that Sunday was supposed to be a rainy day, so we arranged our weekend in such a way that we could take advantage and stay inside and cozy all day.  A rainy day, especially a rainy fall day after such a dry sunny summer, is the perfect justification to have pancakes for breakfast while watching lots of TV and then to curl up and read under a blanket for the rest of the day.  The pancakes and TV watching went as planned, and then it was time for the reading and blanketing.  It was still raining, so I headed for the papasan chair, but by the time I got there the rain had lessened. Like, it’s barely sprinkling and the sun is trying to peek out.  I need it to keep raining!  Yes, I like the sun, and yes, I’ll miss it terribly if it disappears for the next six months like I keep hearing it will, but when the sun is shining I feel compelled to go outside and enjoy it because it’s going to go away and that’s not how I was planning to spend my day.  If the sun is out, I have to go to the grocery store.  So please, sun, go back behind the clouds and let the rain come.  Just this once.

I’m going to regret that plea.

I don’t have to

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I should work out, but I’m not going to.

I should do some laundry, but I’m not going to.

I should write about seeing Weird Al two Fridays ago, but I’m not going to.

I should write about meeting new people in Portland two Sundays ago, but I’m not going to.

I should plan something healthy for dinner tonight, but I’m not going to.

I’ll do all those things soon.

Instead, I’m going to read my book.

I’m going to fold the clothes I’ve already washed and do the rest tomorrow.

I’m going to think about what I’ll write about Weird Al and Portland peeps and be better prepared for it when I get there.

I’m going eat pasta and garlic bread and not feel guilty about it, even though I had Indian food last night and should never eat again.

I’m going to be still and quiet and go to bed early and get a normal night’s sleep that will end with my alarm at 5am tomorrow.

If I do it right, 5am won’t hurt that much, and when I get to the end of the workday, I’ll have the energy to work out and do laundry and make dinner and write bloggy things with pictures.

I don’t want to fight, but I’m not going to give in

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Guys, I can’t deal with work.  I feel like all I’ve done for the last two weeks is work and sleep (and complain about work).  That’s not entirely true (I didn’t work last weekend), but it’s mostly true, and I am worn out.  AND I’m still working.  I’ve spent the last two hours arguing with someone who wants to skip a safeguard before a software update, and I’m not going to let him.  We’re arguing over email which makes it even more frustrating.  He is clearly very angry with me now and has just petulantly thrown in the towel (I think).

I’m so very very tired of this.  These last two weeks have been awful, and that was without any fighting.  This, arguing with someone over something so stupid and yet so important, at the very end of a long day, is not what I need.

People suck.  Not you.  Everyone else.

I felt pretty good, but then…

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My weekend good mood disappeared in a clap of thunder at about 9am this morning.  I went from pretty patient with work stuff (after my nice relaxing long weekend) to ZERO TOLERANCE FOR IDIOTS, INCOMPETENCE, AND IGNORANCE, with pretty broad definitions for all three.  It wasn’t pretty, and it wasn’t fun.

My work day is over.  I’m going to sit outside and read, and then I’m going to a zumba class, then a yoga class.

Summer is taking a break

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It’s raining, and there is no wind at all (apparently), so the rain is falling straight down.  It’s a little eerie actually – looks robotic.  John’s metronome isn’t helping the feeling.

Oh, that’s better – it’s slanting northwest now.

The temperature dropped yesterday.  Today is the second day of highs in the 60s, and we’re not expected to hit 80 again until late next week (and then only barely).  This is weird.  Good, I think, but weird.

Hey, weather.  That’s fascinating, sure, but it’s all I’ve got today.  It’s Friday, work is over, and I think I’m going to take my book, open a window, and read in a comfy chair while listening to the rain.  And John’s metronome.

It’s better than paying attention to the news.

The world outside can stay outside

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There is a place nearby that will deliver salads to our door.  They’ll deliver other food, too, but they have these really good entree salads, and we can order them and eat them and feel virtuous and lazy at the same time.  Best of both worlds.

Delivery is a dangerous thing.  I could easily become a hermit.  Let my hair grow long again, stop talking to people, have all our food delivered, stay inside and read all the time…it wouldn’t take more than a gentle nudge.

Of course, I say this after having spent the better part of the last two days outside around people, with plans to do the same tomorrow.  I don’t mean it, and yet…I may be reacting to too much socializing.

Don’t wanna, can’t make me

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It’s an overcast day, I didn’t sleep well last night, and now that the work day is over, I don’t want to do anything.  I don’t want to ride my bike, I don’t want to go for a walk, I don’t want to go to the library.  Well, I want to BE at the library and then BE home.  I don’t want to go to and from.

None of this should be a problem.  I can have a lazy slob day if I want one.  EXCEPT.  EXCEPT we have a late night tonight.  The band has a gig tonight, we have to be at the place around 7, the show starts at 9, there are two opening acts, and The ELP doesn’t go on until ELEVEN (ish).  But it’s our/their show, so we kinda have to be there from the start.  So late night, plus early-ish start tomorrow (because we didn’t take the day off), and I DON’T WANNA!

I’ll get over it, probably as soon as we get there.  But now, I’m comfy and lazy at home (and whiny) and going out sounds like so much work.

(I swear I will do a whole band post.  I will.  I will I will I will.  Not now.)

Caught in the act

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I spent most of this afternoon reading in the backyard.  It was peaceful for a while, but then the neighbors starting chatting in their yard, a blower and a lawn mower started in another yard, and that cat traipsed through the rear flower bed.  Too much traffic.  I gave up and went inside.

Not long after, John called me to the window to see the same cat hanging out on our gravel path, settled in and acting like he owns the place (as cats do).

Photographic evidence:

From the door

From the door

From the edge of the deck

From the edge of the deck

Leaving after I got too close

Leaving after I got too close

Angry with me for making him leave

Angry with me for making him leave

Of course, he left the yard, I went inside, and he came right back.  I don’t really care if he hangs out in the yard.  I just don’t want him to treat my yard like a litter box.

Sense is overrated

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I can’t decide if 14 states feels like a lot to cross through in five days or not enough, considering we crossed the ENTIRE country. Same with knowing that we’d never been in half of them before. Is that a lot? Not a lot? I have lost all sense of perspective. And all sense. And, since we got here, I’ve been fighting decision fatigue again. It’s kind of scary to waffle between options, knowing the choice you make won’t be wrong (the thing you’re trying to decide on is not that important), but completely unable to choose. I don’t like it. It’s not all the time, and it’s not debilitating. In fact, I think it only happened twice and only Monday morning. It’s still weird, and I don’t have to like it.

Five days in the car. I was ready to give the car a break (my butt was ready to send the seats packing), but at the same time, I wasn’t ready for the trip to be over. It wasn’t restful, and it wasn’t a vacation, but we didn’t have to do anything except drive. Work was a distant memory. It was freeing. We’re still somewhat in limbo, since we don’t have our stuff. I called the moving coordinator Tuesday morning (Day 7 of the 7-14 day window), and she said the driver couldn’t provide an ETA yet, but call again on Friday, and maybe they can provide one. Sigh. No internet yet, either, but the install kit could arrive any day, assuming it has actually shipped. I placed the order Friday night, but I never got a confirmation email. I called them Monday, and they confirmed the order and resent the email. I just realized I never got that email, either. I have to call them again and hope hope HOPE it’s out there and actually on its way. Cross your fingers for us!

Update: the install kit arrived and we have internet!  We still don’t have anything to sit on or at, but we have internet!

Grand Central Station

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There are too many ways for people to get in touch with me, and too often, all are in use at the same time.  Work people can (and do) reach me via my work email address, my office phone, my work cell, my personal cell, Skype for business, Google Chat/Hangouts, and text (on both cell phones).  It’s part of my job to be available (during the work day – I do set boundaries, usually), so I don’t really mind, but sometimes it’s a bit much.

And it can be a bit much on its own, but then I add in non-work stuff that happens during the day (texts, chats, emails, calls), and it gets crazy.

Thursday, for instance, I went for a run at lunch (to clear my head because some customers at work that morning….well, I needed to clear my head), and while I was stretching, after having been back in the apartment for all of three minutes, my work cell rang.  Sure, I could have ignored it, but I saw who it was and picked up because her stuff is usually important.  It was, I answered her question, and went back to stretching.  Thirty seconds later (still stretching), my personal cell rang with a call from our landlady.  She’s got utility people in the basement and backyard, and am I home?  Oh, good, can I unlock the back door so they can get to the electrical panel?  Sure I can.

Shortly after that, I sat back down at my desk to find two chat windows flashing at me and lots of emails waiting.  I did just clear my head, right?

Sandwiches are the universal cure

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This morning:

Jess mentioned the other day that it’s amazing how quickly she can go from “Today’s a pretty good day” to “I hate everyone and everything” some days, and some days, I’m right there with her.  Today, at least, I have identified a trigger: it’s laundry.  Not just laundry, though – I’ve been doing laundry for years, and it doesn’t automatically put me in a bad mood.  No, it’s laundry HERE, in THIS apartment, with THIS gross basement and machines that don’t drain correctly (the utility sink that the machines drain into has dirt in it – DRY dirt – even after two loads of MY laundry have drained), and with our messy upstairs neighbor who is doing his best to live on his own, but needs additional help.  I’ll cut him all the slack he needs, but that doesn’t mean that what he does (or doesn’t do) doesn’t affect MY mood.

Messy neighbor definition: we have mice (or something) in the attic because he leaves open soda cans and pizza all over his apartment (according to our landlady).  In the laundry room today, there are two full loads of his clothes on the (gross) folding table, most likely put there by the downstairs neighbor who needed the dryers.  Don’t know how long they’ve been there or how long they’ll be there.

I’m going for a run.  Maybe I won’t hate everyone when I get back.

This afternoon:

Better.  Not great, but better.  Running is good, running is helpful, AND I ate a sandwich, which probably has a LOT to do with it.  (I typed “AND I hate a sandwich” and fixed it SO fast.  That is not true.  That will never be true.  I love sandwiches.  Rumors about sandwich-hating are hurtful and must be dealt with immediately.  Without delay.  Posthaste.  Now.)

Yes, I’m feeling better.

Presidents Day, Annapolis Edition

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What have I done today?  A lot and not much, both of which are fine with me.  Made banana nut bread for breakfast, which also became lunch, watched a never-ending episode of Arrow (John is working today, so we kept pausing the episode for extended periods of time.  The show is not that good, so it didn’t really matter that we came back to it with little memory of the preceding dialogue.), and then I made my way through a handful of graphic novels.  Re-read volume 1 of Chew (which has a very interesting, totally disgusting premise), read volume 2 (which I enjoyed even more), re-read volume 1 of The Wicked + The Divine (still really good), and started volume 1 of the Federal Bureau of Physics.  After that, I only have two more new ones to check out, and then I can go all digital, all the time, plus library books, with a clear conscience.

The snow has stopped for the moment, but the sleet and the rain are supposed to be moving in.  I have no intention of leaving the apartment today.  We’re considering extending the breakfast theme into dinner and having eggs and toast instead of spaghetti.

We’ve had a really good weekend being out and about, but it’s nice to be able to stay inside, be anti-social, and not talk to anyone for the day.  Decompress.  This coming week will be both stressful and relaxing, possibly at the same time.  Today is necessary.