I’d like to think it wasn’t on purpose

I had my next to last lesson with Wendy today, and it was awful.  Okay, maybe not awful, but it wasn’t good.  I rode Olive, and I was anxious and unsettled and so was she (probably my fault) and it felt weird and uncomfortable and like I couldn’t do anything right.  Objectively, I improved as the lesson went on.  Objectively, a lesson like that is a good thing because it forces me to focus on things I don’t have to think about when everything is going well.  Subjectively, it’s NOT FUN.  It occurred to me that maybe it’s subconscious self-sabotage, like how Mom has said she used to pick fights with Dad before he left on deployment in an effort (again, subconscious) to make saying goodbye easier.  If that’s what it was, it SUCKS and I don’t want to do it again.  I have one more lesson, I’ll probably ride Tigger, and I would like to enjoy it, please, brain.

Of course, right after I got her saddle off her, Olive peed all over the barn, so maybe she was uncomfortable, too.  Still, even it wasn’t just me, it was certainly a lot me, and I need to not do that.

One Comment

  1. momma betty

    So sorry you had such a bad time. You may be right about the subconscious sabotage. You’re looking ahead to a new place, a new adventure, but at the same time you’re having to let go of something you’ve enjoyed so much–having found just the right place with the right trainer.

    I didn’t realize so many years ago that what was happening the night before deployment was really a “thing.” I thought it was just our personal reactions, but I just googled related words and so many headlines came up, like this one: “The Pre-Deployment State of Mind: Fight Club.” I wish we had known then it was so common. This comment pretty much says it all, especially the last line:

    “The countdown can take a toll on the best of relationships. You’re more irritated than usual, but it’s not really because his gear is strewn all over the house. It’s what that gear represents. It’s not because he has packed, unpacked and repacked a zillion times. It’s because he has to pack at all. I’ve often said that this is a period of time when you want to push them out the door so the clock can start ticking, but you also want to hold onto them for dear life and never let go. It’s tough.”

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