I should not be allowed in the kitchen. It was the site of my fall the other week, and now I’ve gone and sliced my finger instead of the tomato while making a caprese salad. On top of that, a Jason Mraz song has been going through my head most of the day, and while that’s okay occasionally (depending on the day), it hasn’t been okay today. Stop already with the scatting. I’m not in the mood. I have two quizzes to take, and your silly lyrics are not helping. Now go away, Mr. Mraz.
Midterm’s done. I’ll let you know how it went (it took me almost two and a half hours) when I find out my grade.
The band is rehearsing for the first time in weeks, if not months, and the classical music I’m listening to isn’t loud enough to drown out the bass line two floors below me. I might need noise-canceling headphones. Tonight, statistics is on the menu. Because, oh yeah, right, I forgot. I’m taking statistics, too. And I have a quiz due Sunday. So I should start reading. I can’t get away with not juggling two classes anymore.
Blah blah school and stuff. Not what I want to write about. Oh, I remember. I heard this on the radio on the way home from the test and liked it.
Grace Potter and The Nocturnals – “Paris (Ooh La La)”
Work is getting in the way of studying. And time is flying when I do study, so I’m not getting as far in the material as I plan to each time I sit down. Stress-stress-stress, panic-panic-panic. I need a few more hours. Which probably means I’m not going to the gym tonight. 🙁 On the one hand, I’m not thinking about anything else when I’m working out, so I could use it to clear my head, as a break from studying. But a) I don’t think I’ll really need a break (math is fun! and also, the midterm is tomorrow – who has time for a break?), and 2) I don’t think I’ll be able to stop thinking about it. I mean, I figured out where I went wrong on the last problem in my latest quiz while I was in the shower this morning. Not exactly the place for studying. Why would I think I could escape it (or really want to, with the midterm looming so close) at the gym?
I’ll make myself a deal (’cause I really would like to exercise today): if I do nothing but study from the minute I get home and I make it through section 12.4 by 6, I can go. If I don’t make it that far, I can’t. I’ll run before work tomorrow morning either way.
I woke up this morning a little crazy with anxiety. The worst thing about it is that I woke up with a list of all the things I should be doing on a loop in my head, and then I froze. I could have gotten up right then to get started on the list, but did I? No, I stayed in bed. Because I could put off all the hard things. I do that all the time (procrastinate). Of course, that gives me less time overall to get everything done, so all it really does is ratchet up the anxiety a little more. Not exactly helpful behavior.
Instead, let’s a play a game (courtesy of Mom) called “What’s the worst that could happen?”
Anxiety Causing Thing #1: Quiz #4 for vector calculus and the midterm I have to take on Thursday
What’s the worst that could happen? Well, I could get all the answers wrong on my quiz, but that doesn’t affect my grade (just makes my professor think I’m an idiot), so there isn’t anything to worry about there. Of course, my performance on my quizzes is an indicator of my performance on the midterm, so if I don’t do well on my quizzes, I may not do well on my midterm. And I could fail my midterm. So what if I do? I won’t have a very good grade in my calculus class. That would be a blow to my ego (something I could survive), and it may put me on the road to failing this class. What if I fail the class? I’m taking it online at a community college because I need the prereq for grad school. If I fail it, I’m out approximately $350. If I fail it, I can retake it later. Will I fail it? Probably not. I may not get an A. I may not even get a B. But I probably won’t fail. I submitted my quiz this morning (confident that I got three out of four right), so that’s out of my hands, and I still have today, tomorrow, Wednesday, and part of Thursday to study for the midterm. Breathe deep.
Anxiety Causing Thing #2: Work
What’s the worst that could happen? I could get fired. Or laid off. Or whatever. That could happen, but there’s nothing I can do about it (and there’s no immediate indication that it’s coming), so that’s not what’s making me edgy. There’s nothing specific about work that’s bothering me. No major deadlines, no one is asking me to do anything I’m not capable of, I don’t have any issues with any coworkers. I just don’t like it. I don’t want to come here every day. (I know, whine whine whine, most people don’t actually like going to work.) I want to do something with flexible hours where I can work from home and have more time for me. The math that’s stressing me out is the first step in that direction, so this is more of a low-level, back-burner, always-bugging-me sort of thing that every once in a while jumps up and says, “Hey! Loser! Worry about me!”
Anxiety Causing Thing #3: Army Ten-Miler
Did I tell you about this? A few weeks ago, John registered to run in the Army Ten-Miler this October, and I caved to the very mild peer pressure and registered with him. So what’s the worst that could happen? I’ll be so slow that the bus that picks up the slowpokes who aren’t going to finish in the required time will pick me up. Humiliating. I have 17 weeks to train for it. I had more, but I didn’t use them. I can’t procrastinate on this one, so every day I don’t start this training plan gets under my skin, and I didn’t run today. Well, I kinda did. I sprinted around the block (up the hills) a couple of times with the dogs this morning. My math anxiety trumped my race anxiety this morning – I spent the extra time on my quiz. (SuzRocks sent me a link to a half-marathon training plan. I figure if I’m capable of running a half-marathon by the time I finish training, ten miles should seem easy. Ish. I just need to start the &^$* training plan.)
There are other things that bug me (there are always other things), but those are the three I woke up with this morning. Peace, serenity, lots of gym time tonight, some studying…I’ve got it under control.
Happy thoughts!
Today was a good day. (I should grade every day. Good or bad. Today good, yesterday bad. Me Tarzan, you Jane.) Work was meh, but I came home early today to be here for our spring A/C maintenance, and I really liked the HVAC guy. Chatting turned what probably would have been a 30-minute visit into an hour and a half, but who cares? He’ll get overtime. On top of that, I’m two-thirds of the way through my third quiz. Unfortunately, I still have another quiz to complete before I can take the midterm, which has to be taken no later than June 19th, which happens to be a Sunday, which really means I have to take it by Friday, June 17th, so I’m aiming for Thursday, June 16th. (And I’m a little nervous about it, which may explain the previous sentence.) Let’s ignore that I used to be good at calculus. My problem is that I don’t remember basic theorems and trig identities and tricks I used to have memorized. Twelve years ago. When I last took a calculus class. Not remembering isn’t a problem when I’m doing homework and quizzes – I have the internet. They’re open book. My midterm? Not so much. No calculator, no computer, no help. Just my memory. My faulty, holey, Swiss cheese memory that’s full of gaps.
I just came off an online Q&A with the professor. He’s not long-winded, really, but he spends so much time messing with the technology he’s using (some of which is very cool) that these things take forEVER. But I feel a little better about the class. For now. Until panic sets in again. Probably early to mid next week.
Still applies. I’m trying to juggle work, math, and exercise, but I’m not doing a very good job right now. Time to read, time to play on the internet, time to write – doesn’t exist. Once I’m caught up with calculus, I think I can work out a routine. I need to get there faster.
Why didn’t I do this six weeks ago? I’m an idiot.
I’m SO ready to go. I need sun (or warm shade within easy reach of sun), muggy warmth, sand, water, a nice breeze… My family is an added bonus.
I realized the other day, though, that I registered for three online courses this summer through NOVA, and they all start this coming Monday. Two of them are compressed 8-week courses, so my one week of vacation is probably (definitely) going to have a lot of homework in it. This would be less of a problem if I remembered any calculus. And there’s my goal for this week. Think I can spend my time this week only on calculus and work? Sure I can…
Mom just assured me that the beach house has internet, so I won’t have to spend my vacation in a Starbucks.