stress

Why did it have to end?

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We’re home, and it was wonderful, and can I please please please go back?  The last couple of days at home were so peaceful and restful.  I avoided my work email and managed to wake up this morning still feeling somewhat serene and would you believe it?  A day at work with lots of catching up to do and one crisis (that I couldn’t get resolved today) did NOT get to me.  I still feel pretty good and not at all stressed.  Except for the headache.  It’ll go away.

Bicycles in Oxford - Everywhere I turned, there were people riding bikes. Some with robes flapping behind them, some in skirts, some in casual clothes. Then there was the one guy riding down the street on a unicycle, but I didn't get my camera out in time to catch him.

Here’s a video I took today of Roxy eating peanut butter. Because you’re worth it, and gosh darn it, I like you.

I’m not asking much (just a token really, a trifle)

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I had plans for this evening.  My plans included homework.  My plans got derailed by Homeaway.com.  The slightest passing reference to a possible trip to the UK and I get sucked in.  Not a good use of my time.

Now I’m watching the clock.  I’m doing that thing I do where I start to feel tired a few days in a row (late nights, early mornings), and I know I need to get more sleep, but it’s hard to get to bed earlier.  So then, every time I look at the clock, I’m calculating how many hours of sleep I can get before I have to get up.  It’s 10 to 9 right now.  If I can be asleep in 10 minutes, I could get eight hours tonight (I’m going to Baltimore tomorrow and I have to get up at 5).  I won’t even be ready for bed in 10 minutes, let alone asleep, so 8 hours is not happening.  And that’s mildly upsetting because it means I’ll be tired tomorrow.  Actually, it means I’ll be visiting Starbucks at 6am tomorrow morning, which is not so good for my health.  But when I have to drive an hour and a half when it’s still dark outside, you better believe I’m going to allow myself to have a tall skim no whip toffee nut white mocha.  Is it too much to ask to be able to sleep in at least until the sun comes up every day?

Overload

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Stress.  Busy day.  Lots of work done, lots of work to do, not enough time to do it.  And then the realization that I have to take an exam for my data modeling class before Monday.  Almost didn’t go to classes tonight, but was sane enough to remember that one of the things that is stressing me out is my incapability (incapableness?  Lack of capability?  I don’t think any of those are words.) to eat right (I say as I take teeny bits from a piece of Dove chocolate), and I usually feel better after the gym.  So I went.  And I do feel  better.  A little.  But tomorrow is another crazy day (with a long commute with my boss) and it seems to have started already and – no.  Tomorrow is tomorrow.  Not here yet.  Even if I am mentally calculating how many hours of sleep I need before getting up early tomorrow.  (I’m coming up short.)

Yoga’s great for calming me down while I’m in class, but that feeling doesn’t last long enough.

Of course, I’m very rarely anywhere NEAR Kristen Bell’s meltdown level.  This is funny, kinda cute sometimes, and so very weird.

The clock is ticking

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Work is getting in the way of studying.  And time is flying when I do study, so I’m not getting as far in the material as I plan to each time I sit down.  Stress-stress-stress, panic-panic-panic.  I need a few more hours.  Which probably means I’m not going to the gym tonight.  🙁  On the one hand, I’m not thinking about anything else when I’m working out, so I could use it to clear my head, as a break from studying.  But a) I don’t think I’ll really need a break (math is fun! and also, the midterm is tomorrow – who has time for a break?), and 2) I don’t think I’ll be able to stop thinking about it.  I mean, I figured out where I went wrong on the last problem in my latest quiz while I was in the shower this morning.  Not exactly the place for studying.  Why would I think I could escape it (or really want to, with the midterm looming so close) at the gym?

I’ll make myself a deal (’cause I really would like to exercise today): if I do nothing but study from the minute I get home and I make it through section 12.4 by 6, I can go.  If I don’t make it that far, I can’t.  I’ll run before work tomorrow morning either way.

Things I’m anxious about today

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I woke up this morning a little crazy with anxiety.  The worst thing about it is that I woke up with a list of all the things I should be doing on a loop in my head, and then I froze.  I could have gotten up right then to get started on the list, but did I?  No, I stayed in bed.  Because I could put off all the hard things.  I do that all the time (procrastinate).   Of course, that gives me less time overall to get everything done, so all it really does is ratchet up the anxiety a little more.  Not exactly helpful behavior.

Instead, let’s a play a game (courtesy of Mom) called “What’s the worst that could happen?”

Anxiety Causing Thing #1: Quiz #4 for vector calculus and the midterm I have to take on Thursday

What’s the worst that could happen?  Well, I could get all the answers wrong on my quiz, but that doesn’t affect my grade (just makes my professor think I’m an idiot), so there isn’t anything to worry about there.  Of course, my performance on my quizzes is an indicator of my performance on the midterm, so if I don’t do well on my quizzes, I may not do well on my midterm.  And I could fail my midterm.  So what if I do?  I won’t have a very good grade in my calculus class.  That would be a blow to my ego (something I could survive), and it may put me on the road to failing this class.  What if I fail the class?  I’m taking it online at a community college because I need the prereq for grad school.  If I fail it, I’m out approximately $350.  If I fail it, I can retake it later.  Will I fail it?  Probably not.  I may not get an A.  I may not even get a B.  But I probably won’t fail.  I submitted my quiz this morning (confident that I got three out of four right), so that’s out of my hands, and I still have today, tomorrow, Wednesday, and part of Thursday to study for the midterm.  Breathe deep.

Anxiety Causing Thing #2: Work

What’s the worst that could happen?  I could get fired.  Or laid off.  Or whatever.  That could happen, but there’s nothing I can do about it (and there’s no immediate indication that it’s coming), so that’s not what’s making me edgy.  There’s nothing specific about work that’s bothering me.  No major deadlines, no one is asking me to do anything I’m not capable of, I don’t have any issues with any coworkers.  I just don’t like it.  I don’t want to come here every day.  (I know, whine whine whine, most people don’t actually like going to work.)  I want to do something with flexible hours where I can work from home and have more time for me.  The math that’s stressing me out is the first step in that direction, so this is more of a low-level, back-burner, always-bugging-me sort of thing that every once in a while jumps up and says, “Hey!  Loser!  Worry about me!”

Anxiety Causing Thing #3: Army Ten-Miler

Did I tell you about this?  A few weeks ago, John registered to run in the Army Ten-Miler this October, and I caved to the very mild peer pressure and registered with him.  So what’s the worst that could happen?  I’ll be so slow that the bus that picks up the slowpokes who aren’t going to finish in the required time will pick me up.  Humiliating.  I have 17 weeks to train for it.  I had more, but I didn’t use them.  I can’t procrastinate on this one, so every day I don’t start this training plan gets under my skin, and I didn’t run today.  Well, I kinda did.  I sprinted around the block (up the hills) a couple of times with the dogs this morning.  My math anxiety trumped my race anxiety this morning – I spent the extra time on my quiz.  (SuzRocks sent me a link to a half-marathon training plan.  I figure if I’m capable of running a half-marathon by the time I finish training, ten miles should seem easy.  Ish.  I just need to start the &^$* training plan.)

There are other things that bug me (there are always other things), but those are the three I woke up with this morning.  Peace, serenity, lots of gym time tonight, some studying…I’ve got it under control.

Happy thoughts!