I just don’t wanna

Get it together!

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Things I did today:

  • Work
  • Ordered new sheets for our bed
  • Met Jess for lunch (I don’t think that counts, but it got me out of the apartment)
  • Talked to Mom and Dad (not sure that should count, either – no, it totally counts because we decided on dates for my next visit)

Things I didn’t do today:

  • Run (or work out in any way)
  • Laundry
  • Buy groceries
  • Look for a new job
  • Read my book
  • Play on the internet (this doesn’t count)
  • Write a book
  • Fly a plane
  • Ride a horse
  • Paint a picture
  • Build a house
  • Cure a disease
  • Sing at Carnegie Hall
  • Reach through my computer and strangle someone – oh, wait.  It’s good that I didn’t do that one.

Not every day can be the perfect example of how I want to live my life (yesterday was pretty darn close – it needed more John), but today fell disappointingly short.  It’s my own fault.  I didn’t get out of bed to run, and then I couldn’t get out of my head to enjoy the day, and then I let the rain keep me from the store.  Going to the store wouldn’t have been exciting in any way, but it needs doing, and I’ll feel better when it’s done.

I will just have to do better tomorrow.

This is how I adult

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John is out flying, so I am on my own for the early part of the evening.  (This part.  This part we’re in now.)  I’m sure that if this were an alternate universe where I lived alone, I would have a well-stocked kitchen and lots of plans for a Friday evening.  (I know you’re laughing about the well-stocked kitchen part.  Stop that.  You may also be laughing about me having plans.  Hush now.)  In this universe, we have very little food in the apartment.  On the plus side, I’m not really hungry, so it doesn’t really matter.  My dinner tonight consists of the other half of the blueberry muffin I bought for breakfast and some rice crackers that are going stale.  And some pretty good wine, which helps the stale crackers go down.  I am watching not-good TV, and I am trying to ignore the mosquito bite on my knee (from last night – god damn mosquitos).

I really know how to have a good time.  Up next, fold the laundry and do the dishes!

At loose ends

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Today has been such a weird day.  We slept in (didn’t get up until nine – gasp!), and we didn’t really have any plans at all.  Had some breakfast, watched a little TV.  All I knew was that I wanted to work out and I might make cookies and I might get to the store.  Anything else was fine.  John went into the other room to play his guitar (I believe he’s trying to write something), and I…couldn’t decide what to do.  I finished one book last night, so I started another one.  Got 6% in.  Not interested.  Put it down.  No big loss – it was $1.99 and I don’t remember whose recommendation put it on my list, but it’s been there for a long time.  Picked another book, one I should LOVE.  Got 8% in.  I don’t like it.  I think.  I can’t tell if I really don’t like it or if I’m just not in the mood.  But I put it down.  Okay, then.  I decided I’d go to the gym.  (It’s really cold and windy – not running outside.)  I put workout clothes on.  I got ready to leave the apartment.  Eh, didn’t really feel like using the treadmill, and I can do plenty of exercises right here in the living room.  So I didn’t leave.  Tried to do zumba with Lisa’s youtube videos.  Too weird.  Push-ups?  I did 15.  Anything else?  Nah.  Didn’t feel like it.  …  Okay, then.  What do I do when I don’t feel like exercising and I can’t decide what I want to read?  Play on the internet, right?  Wrong.  Not in the mood.  What the hell is wrong with me?

Well, cleaning the apartment was also on the list for the weekend, so I clipped my tiny mp3 player to my shirt (still in my workout clothes), and cleaned the apartment.  While singing along to random favorite songs.  You know what?  THAT’S what I needed to get me out of whatever funk I fell into after breakfast today.  CLEANING.  Again, what the hell is wrong with me?

Actually, I think it was the music and the singing, so you can all rest easy.  John eventually came out of the other room, decided HE wanted to work out, and I tagged along.  Much better.  Now I’m clean and dressed in normal clothes and the apartment is clean and I’m waiting for John to get out of the shower and then we’re going to try to grab some dinner out and see Kingsman: The Secret Service, which I’ve been excited about since I saw the preview months and months ago.  Possibly when we saw Guardians of the Galaxy, way back in August.

I’m glad I got all that sorted out.  Of course, I still haven’t picked my next book.

Some days it’s harder to stay positive

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Things to remember that are good right now:

  • Our house is under contract.
  • I’m going on vacation in a week and a half to someplace warm and sunny.
  • …
  • um….

I mean, sure, I could start listing things like friends and family who are wonderful, and that John and I are in good health, and we have a roof over our heads and jobs we don’t hate, but that starts to sound treacly and some other word I can’t quite put my finger on.  YES, there are plenty of things to be happy about or grateful for or whatever, but GAH!  I feel stuck sometimes.  Still in the house, still going to the office every day, still living the same life.  Where are my changes?

[Pause for perspective]

That’s a little ridiculous (a lot ridiculous).  I’ve been making changes all along.  I’m exercising more, doing things I like with people I like.  I make more time to read (on weekends, anyway).  John and I have been enjoying more of the geeky things in life (all those games, some of the TV we watch).  My time is more my own (our time is more our own), and I need every minute of it.

Maybe I’ll stop whining.  For now.  Just a little break.

I’m having a day

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I’m feeling grumpy today.  It’s Monday, for one.  I’m not Garfield (I do love lasagna), but I don’t know anyone who’s truly pleased when Monday starts.  We were both sound asleep when the alarm went off, so dragging ourselves out of bed was difficult, and then small tasks seemed to be too tricky to handle.  Before boxing this morning, an eyelash tried to stab me in the eye, so we lost time getting that taken care of, and then John couldn’t dig his keys out of the small bag they were hiding in, and I had trouble keeping my wraps from twisting while I was putting them on (in the car, in the dark).  And that’s all before 6am.  Not a good start.

Work didn’t help (although nothing happened, so work didn’t hurt, either), but  I would really appreciate it if I could get my weekend back, have a do-over, and try Monday again.  Actually, since doing Monday AGAIN doesn’t sound all that appealing, how about if we just skip ahead to this coming weekend?  I don’t have anything all that important going on this week anyway.

Making an effort to relax (Is that an oxymoron?) (YOU’RE an oxymoron.)

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I don’t want to be stressed.  So I’m declaring the house a stress-free zone.  (We’ll ignore the fact that the house is part of the problem.)  I don’t want to mix home-time with the outside world.  I’d like to come home and just relax.  If it’s not in the house, I don’t want to think about it.  Tonight has been a good start.  John was home when I got home, and we sat down to eat.  Watched an hour of TV, and now we’re listening to classical music and playing on our laptops at the dining room table.  Bedtime is not far off (tomorrow morning starts at 4:45), and tomorrow night I might try going back to yoga.  I want time that is quiet and peaceful and smells like lavender.  (I always want to spell “lavender” like “calendar”, but I get to the -dar at the end, realize it’s wrong, wonder why it’s wrong, change it, and move on.  Every time.)

If I have to deal with winter (it got dark so EARLY), I want my winter to be warm and cozy and quiet and relaxing and you know, since our house isn’t selling, that doesn’t seem like too much to ask.  I want to stay HOME.

I don’t get it

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Sunbathing is not for me.  I don’t understand how people do it for hours on end.  I can’t even manage half an hour.  I figured I’d take advantage of an afternoon off to see if I could get rid of some tan lines before the wedding (strapless bridesmaid dress – it’s making me do crazy things, apparently), so I put on some sunscreen, laid out on the deck, set a timer for 15 minutes, and started to sweat.   It was awful.  And boring, even listening to Anne of Avonlea.  I flipped over after 15 minutes, but I didn’t make it more than another 3 before I gave up.  I was so uncomfortable!  So I’ll just have some (hopefully faint) tank top lines over my shoulders and two fairly pale legs.  This is what I look like.  I can deal.

There’s no judging in yoga

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It’s Thursday already.  That’s quick for this week and yet not quick enough.  I was reminded yesterday that yoga is on Thursday nights now, and I’m tempted to go.  I haven’t been since last June.  I probably won’t tonight (I’m practically falling asleep while typing, and I’m afraid if I go to yoga, I’ll just start snoring), but I’d like to put it back into my normal schedule.  Wednesday nights for Zumba, Thursday nights for yoga.  But then I look at having another evening away from home, and I don’t want that.  I like being at home.  It’s restful, even when remodeling projects are going on.  (Speaking of, I promise to take pictures and post them soon.)  And I’m a little afraid to go back – the other students have all continued and, I’m sure, improved, whereas my flexibility has gone WAY downhill.  On the other hand, it’s probably not worse than the first I went.  But, more importantly, who cares?  It’s yoga.  No judging allowed.  Or people will judge you.  (You’re allowed to judge people for judging people about the wrong things.  Besides, judging people is fun.  I mean wrong.  Judging people is wrong.)

Food decisions are hard

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I almost wish I didn’t care how food tastes.  This is not a diet post (I can handle eating normal portions (and handle it when I eat other-than-normal portions)).  This is about decision fatigue.  There are too many choices!  Every day I have to make a decision about where I’m going to get lunch, and every night, John and I have to decide what we’re having for dinner.  We have too many choices and too many decisions to make.  We bring it on ourselves, I know.  We NEVER go to the grocery store, so we have almost no food in the house.  If we had food in the house, we’d have fewer choices about what to eat (which would make the decisions easier), but getting food into the house involves making choices about what to get, and – WORSE – it means making choices about what we’re going to eat DAYS IN ADVANCE.  That’s just crazy.

If all food tasted the same, this wouldn’t be a problem.  Somebody should get on that.

Not again

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I think I might be getting sick.  I can’t tell yet if it’s just seasonal allergies, but since John just got over the flu, I’m a little nervous.  My head is a little (not a lot) congested, my throat is sore enough to hurt when I swallow, the lymph nodes right under my jawline are swollen, and I think I had a fever for a little bit during the night – I woke up freezing and shivering and went scrambling for socks and warmer clothes and more blankets.  Everything but the fever could mean allergies – that stuff happens to me every spring.  And fall.  And at random times throughout the rest of the year.  I was planning on running today, but I think I’m not going to.  We have a 5K with Jess in less than a week, but I gave up any hope of a good race a few weeks ago.  Running today wouldn’t help that much, and a day of real rest might.  So I’m going to do nothing.  Almost nothing.  I might go to the library with John.  Maybe.

I think I’lll have some wine now

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There’s a new pope, and I don’t really care, but I did think this description (from a reporter I heard on the radio) of how he was going to spend his time in those first couple of days was telling: “The new pope will have some time to himself.  He’ll use it to pray, meditate, talk to himself…” Yeah, I imagine he’ll be talking to himself a lot.

It’s Sunday afternoon, and I should probably be doing something useful to prepare for book club this Friday (like plan the appetizers or iron the new curtains – can I get away without doing that?), but I don’t want to.  I want to play on the internet and read my book.  Especially now that I’ve just spent entirely too much time looking for a tablecloth that will fit our dining room table once the extension is in.  Tablecloths are not that exciting.  Not like curtains.

Acting like a child. Except for the refinancing thing. And the taxes.

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I can’t figure this weekend out.  I’m in kind of a funk.  A petty annoying funk.  I did stuff yesterday (the gym, wrestled with TurboTax on linux, a couple of errands), but not enough.  I HAVE to get to the store today (we’re nearly out of calf liver for Roxy, and we need some other essentials), and I need to go to the gym…I think I’m going to put off my pedicure until later in the week or next weekend…

I did just finish our taxes, so that’s something.  I broke down and used my work laptop.

I’m on the verge of pouting because I have to go to the store.  Or because I have to go to the gym and the store, and that’s a lot of time out of the house.  Pouting!  Jesus.  I think it’s Sunday Afternoon Syndrome.  I can feel the weekend slipping away.

[Break]

Haven’t left the house yet (it’s about two hours later), but I’m about to.  John and I did finally call the bank to discuss refinancing, and now that we have all the numbers, it’s possible that we just won’t.  It depends on when we’re really trying to get out of this house.  I feel better having gotten that information (I’ve backed off from the pouting ledge).  And we’re about to go to the store.  Looks like the gym isn’t happening today.  I can take a day off, right?

Any reason will do

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I wasn’t planning on doing any of the Thanksgiving cooking this year, but there was a special request for my sweet potato pie.  Apparently, it’s John’s mother’s favorite, so she asked me to make two.  I went out this afternoon to run errands, and on my way back, I took one look at the madhouse that was the Wegmans parking lot and went to Harris Teeter instead.  Unfortunately, Harris Teeter didn’t have any of the right kind of sweet potatoes (I need the orange-y ones), so while I got everything else I need, no pie-making occurred tonight.  I’ll have to do it after work tomorrow.  That’s a good enough reason to skip my strength class, right?

Baffled

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I’m confused.  The time change, the weather, the fact that Thanksgiving is next week already – all of these things are throwing me.  Also, maybe it has something to do with the fact that I don’t have anything to worry about.  There’s usually something, and given another day or so, I’m sure I could come up with a new thing to gnaw on, but it probably won’t be big.  Why do I feel so weird?  John does, too.  We had a good weekend, fun, even productive: we finally made an appointment to get an estimate for putting hardwood floors in upstairs, something we’ve been talking about for probably a year now.  I’m not that excited about my book – that’s probably part of it.  I haven’t been making the time to read (what is WRONG with me?).  The book I just finished (Sheri S. Tepper’s latest) was okay, but not gripping (definitely not her best).  WAY heavy on the exposition.

Okay, you know what?  I can’t solve the mystery of why I feel at loose ends, but I can go upstairs and put something light on TV and clean up before the flooring guy shows up tomorrow.  He needs to be able to measure, and right now you can’t see where the wall meets the floor.

Taking the night off

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I’m supposed to be going to yoga tonight.  I don’t want to.  I had a facial today, so I’m plenty relaxed, and I want to stay home.  I want to stay home and read and play on the internet and watch TV and do laundry (okay, that’s more of a need than a want) and stay home.  Also, I want to stay home.

Toast and tea (decaf English Breakfast) for dinner.  Yum.