What I don’t want to be when I grow up

Nine professions I’m not well-suited for:

1. Construction worker
Pros – Working outside, lots of exercise
Cons – It’s hard work!  Also, I get sunburned easily.  And I don’t want skin cancer.  And pollution.  All that machinery puts out a LOT of exhaust, and I’d rather not breathe that in all day long.

2. Police officer
Pros – I’d get to keep people safe and chase down bad guys
Cons – I’d have to chase down bad guys, and I wouldn’t be safe.  I don’t particularly want a job that puts me in harm’s way.

3. Baker
Pros – The smell of freshly baked bread every day.
Cons – Trying not to eat that freshly baked bread EVERY DAY.  I’d gain weight like crazy.

4. Butcher
Pros – I like meat.
Cons – I don’t particularly want to wield the cleaver that dismembers Lucy the Lamb and Carl the Cow.  I like my food better when it doesn’t look like the animal it came from.  Becoming a butcher could turn me into a vegetarian.

5. Candlestick maker
Pros – Power outages would not be a problem.
Cons – From what I understand, it’s hot, sticky, smelly work.  So’s being a butcher, I imagine.  Hot, sticky, and smelly are three of my least favorite sensations, especially when they’re combined.

6. CIA agent
Pros – It’s very cool.  (I’m thinking of the Mission: Impossible type, of course.)  All that weapons training and fighting stuff, defensive driving and jumping out of helicopters – very cool.
Cons – DANGEROUS.  And probably pretty boring most of the time.  Because life is not actually a movie.  I don’t want to have to lie about my job to everyone I know.

7. Doctor
Pros – Money.  Helping people.  Saving lives.  Probably not boring.
Cons – I’m a little squeamish, so anything involving bodily fluids is most likely not for me.  And if someone breaks a leg or an arm and the bone is sticking out – I might faint.  LONG hours.

8. Tooth Fairy
Pros – I’d get to wear a tutu and wings (I can fly!) and hell – I’d be a fairy!  That’s pretty cool.  And I’d have so much money I’d be constantly giving it away.
Cons – I’m not a night person.  Working all night, every night does not sound like a good time to me.  Also, I’m crazy clumsy (constantly bruising my knees and elbows), so sneaking around kids’ rooms and reaching under their pillows without waking them up is probably impossible for me.  I’m not qualified.  And what would I do with all those teeth?

9. Lion Tamer
Pros – It’s the circus!  And oh, the baby lions I’d get to train…so cute.
Cons – Adult lions.  Christian the Lion aside, I doubt adult lions would really want to perform in front of huge crowds.  I don’t want to get eaten by my “trained” lions.


  1. Jessica

    Do you actually know a lamb named Lucy and a cow named Carl? Just curious.

    As for Christian the lion – so want him to visit, even just to put the girls in line (which apparently I’m not capable of doing). Love that he brought his lady friend into the mix as well. Very family oriented. (And no, none of these are full sentences.)

    Started to call you this evening then thought it might be too late. Not too late for you to be awake but too late to the point that you might be settled in watching a movie with John or something along those lines. Maybe tomorrow?

    (Wow, none of those were full sentences either.)

  2. momma betty

    Jess, your first sentence is a complete sentence. When I write emails to friends in England or Ireland, I find myself writing in fragments and using words I never usually use–like lovely and delightful and quite (for “very”). has Z told you about our summer plans?

  3. momma betty

    We have a connection (very tenuous) to Christian. The Hamiltons from Portrush, Ireland have a son Justin who lives and works in London. (He’s a self-supporting musician and writer–music critic.) One of his friends is the daughter (or step-daughter) of the couple who raised Christian.

  4. Melvin?

    Doctor: con, you’d be 40 by the time you got finished with school; pro, then you can choose a specialty like podiatry or cardiology and not have to mess with a lot of broken bones ever again. You just don’t wanna be an ER doc.
    All the money is in specialized fields anyway.

  5. momma betty

    House-sit: England (Cotswolds) 2 weeks
    House exchange: Sweden (Vadstena) 2 weeks
    House exchange: Norway (Asgardstrand) 2 weeks

  6. Zannah

    Jess, I do not actually know a lamb (tried to type lamp) named Lucy or a cow named Carl, but I’d like to. We could be friends and hang out. It would help if the cow could type, like in Click, Clack, Moo. What time were thinking of calling? I tend to turn the ringer off on my cell phone around 9:30, so I might have missed your call anyway. Tonight is good, though. Call!

    Mom, that is so tenuous a connection it’s practically invisible. A friend of the son of sort-of friends of yours? Wait – when I look at it like that, it’s not so tenuous. Only three degrees (or is that four?) of separation. One fewer if you have a direct link to the son. Did you meet him?

    Mel – I don’t want to be 40 before I could be a doctor. Good con. Good pro, too, although podiatry would more than likely NOT be the specialty I’d go for. 🙂

  7. Zannah

    I just re-read #9. It doesn’t make sense. Christian the Lion didn’t perform in front of crowds. I think I switched tracks in the middle of that thought. And then didn’t read it again. Good writing.

  8. I’m pretty sure I’d super suck at all of those jobs…mostly the tooth fairy. I have this issue – bordering on a phobia – with teeth…especially loose ones.

  9. Anonymous

    Ooooh, Norway. I’ve wanted to visit Norway since the first time I rode the ride at Epcot. I don’t suppose there are actual trolls that will jump out of nowhere and scare the bejesus out of me, but a girl can dream.

  10. CIA agent is cool.. hahaha.. LOL,.. I like solving crimes,. I also like being a doctor,.. hmm..

    How about an internet marketer.. ? anybody on the vote?

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